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Humour

This tag is associated with 42 posts

Dozens of British celebrities implicated in talent avoidance schemes


George Michael, Katie Melua and Gary Barlow are among a list of entertainers involved in massive talent avoidance schemes – all completely within the bounds of the law, according to a leaked report. Other serial talent dodgers in the report include reality TV contestants, comedy panellists and newspaper columnists, all sheltered by schemes devised to … Continue reading

British Royal Family places Queen Elizabeth in nursing home


Concluding it was the best way to ensure she remains comfortable during her twilight years, the British Royal Family recently placed Queen Elizabeth II into a local nursing home, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Members of the Royal Family are in agreement that they simply do not have the time or resources to personally provide Her Majesty … Continue reading

Thousands flee London as Andrew Lloyd Webber announces return of Cats and Evita


Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with ‘theatrical turds’ from the 1980s.  Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness … Continue reading

Babies celebrate as experts urge parents to read aloud to kids, starting at birth


“Yippee!” said one bookseller when she heard the news. She continued,”This is our big chance to dump our inventory of kids’ books.” Giving a thumbs-up sign to an assistant, she said, “Get all the junk onto the selling floor and prepare to sell, sell, sell!” Couples who really want to jump the gun are reportedly … Continue reading

Video shows Justin Bieber using three syllable word


Yet another shocking video of Justin Bieber has surfaced, this one purportedly showing the young star using what appears to be a three-syllable word in a complete sentence. “It’s somewhat difficult to decipher between the swears and racial slurs, but it sounds like he might have said the word travesty,” said Harvard Linguistics Professor Murray … Continue reading

Australian Prime Minister commits to cutting Australia’s international reputation by 30% before 2015


Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has set an ambitious target to reduce the nation’s standing in the international community by almost a third over the next seven months. The Prime Minister hit back at critics who suggested the status abatement target is too high, saying much of the work is already underway. “In just nine … Continue reading

Gwyneth Paltrow fitted for muzzle, treated for diarrhea of the mouth


Some people don’t know when to shut up. Such is the case with actress Gwyneth Paltrow. Her mouth has gotten her in hot water with critics again and, this time, drastic measures have been taken to prevent further asinine comments on her part. Paltrow has been fitted with a muzzle that she must wear when … Continue reading

Britney Spears concedes white trash title to Miley Cyrus


Following an appearance at the MTV Europe Music Awards where she smoked a joint on stage while accepting an award, Miley Cyrus has officially taken the reigns as the country’s top white trash celebrity. “I feel like I’m the biggest white trash in the world because ain’t nobody dumb enough to do the shit I … Continue reading

Bedroom Tax may force Doctor Who to be evicted from TARDIS


‘We have discovered a single man claiming housing benefit for a property that appears to have an infinite number of spare rooms,’ said Benefits Officer Kimberley Smalls. ‘He is therefore liable for the most severe under-occupancy penalty.’ The decision means the Doctor faces significant cuts to his housing benefit and he may be forced to … Continue reading

Jesus and disciples were not present when da Vinci painted “The Last Supper”


An international panel of art experts and historians has unanimously agreed that Jesus Christ and his 12 Disciples were not actually present and did not personally sit for Leonardo da Vinci when da Vinci painted his famous mural “The Last Supper.” The painting resides on a plaster wall in the Convent of Santa Maria delle … Continue reading

42 year-old man still living with his mum will spend today courageously berating people online


Using the avatar HardntheF-up23, 42 year-old unemployed man Peter Broomfield will log on to his computer this morning. He will then bravely tell people he doesn’t know why their lives are not worth living. Mr Broomfield – who may not find the motivation to change out of his pyjamas – will scour a range of … Continue reading

Google purchases the Earth for record $590.6 billion


Search engine firm Google has agreed in principle to acquire the planet Earth for a record $590.6 billion in cash and assets. The takeover tops Google’s 2011 deal for the mobile telecom giant Motorola for a paltry $12.5 billion. “With the completion of our Google Earth project, we have analyzed every square mile of this … Continue reading

Gwyneth Paltrow writing book on how to properly get divorced


Gwyneth Paltrow announced today she is writing a self-help book for people going through a divorce. In a blog post on Goop, her personal website, the 41-year-old actress said she has signed a deal with a major publisher to write “Conscious Uncoupling: How to Survive Divorce With Style, Grace and Class,” which will draw from … Continue reading

Angelina Jolie and Kim Kardashian feud causes concern


Two actresses who love the spotlight have entered into a feud that has their family and friends concerned. Angelina Jolie, 38, started the fray when she told a reporter with Bedroom Pillow Talk that Kim Kardashian, 33, really needs to do something about her butt which seems to be growing out of control. Angelina noted … Continue reading

Study suggests Stonehenge was prehistoric McDonald’s


Once thought to be a burial ground, ancient temple, or work of alien lifeforms, the Stonehenge monument may have been the world’s first fast food eatery. This is thanks to the discovery of a perfectly intact McDonald’s hamburger unearthed at the base of a massive monolith this week. Top archaeologists in the field say the … Continue reading

Australians trying to work out which government policy is an April Fools gag


One of the Australian Government’s policies is an April Fools hoax, but they won’t say which one. The Prime Minister, Tony Abbott,  made the announcement early this morning, describing the prank as a bit of lighthearted fun. But the news has already caused mass confusion. Many Coalition MPs were themselves caught unawares. “Just one?” one … Continue reading

Australia to reinstate imperial measurement system


Yesterday, Australia’s Prime Minister Tony Abbott unexpectedly announced that Australia would be returning to the appointment of Knights and Dames, an outdated system which ceased 30 years ago. This was done without any consultation, discussion or prior notice. Now comes this: Australia will revert to using miles, ounces, yards and furlongs next year, more than … Continue reading

Dharma Initiative denies responsibility for missing Malaysian flight


The secretive scientific research organisation known as “The Dharma Initiative” has denied responsibility for the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. In a statement released today on the group’s website, Dharma‘s CEO Hugh McIntyre said that despite the similarities between this case and that of the infamous Oceanic Flight 815, the two incidents do not share … Continue reading

Ukraine deploys gay men to scare off Russians


Ukraine is planning to march large numbers of gay men into Crimea in hopes of scaring off Russian soldiers currently occupying the territory. According to local reports this “gay army” will be unarmed and its mission will be to act as flamboyantly homosexual as possible, causing the deeply prejudiced occupying force to flee back to … Continue reading

Kim Jong-un considers extending North Korea’s bedtime until 8:30 pm


North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un says he’ll have a think about changing the nation’s lights out time, after it was pointed out to him that some countries stay up as late as 10:30pm. Currently night-night time is 8:00pm, with quiet talking allowed until 8:10. But that could all soon change. “I’m open to extending … Continue reading

Obama nominates Oprah as ambassador to Russia


President Obama nominated Oprah Winfrey to serve as ambassador to Russia today. In a written statement, the White House said the veteran broadcaster has been selected to replace Russian policy expert Michael McFaul, who announced last week that he was stepping down after little more than a year on the job. “Oprah Winfrey is an … Continue reading

North Korea wants to host Summer Olympics


Kim Jong Un, rotund ruler of North Korea, expressed a desire for North Korea to hold the next Summer Olympics when it is held in 2016. He was quickly informed that it had been decided years ago that it would be held in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil in 2016 and in Tokyo, Japan in … Continue reading

Thailand’s Prime Minister promises to disrobe if protesters desist


Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra has ratcheted up her rhetoric in the face of growing criticism, vowing to perform a striptease for her nation’s people if protesters back down from calls for her resignation. “I have two very good reason why I should remain in office and I promise will show you both if you … Continue reading

Japan’s scientific research program yet to uncover why whales die when speared with a giant harpoon


After decades of research, Japanese scientists are no closer to discovering why whales suddenly die when tracked down, surrounded and then shot with an explosive-tipped harpoon. “It’s a phenomenon that’s baffled us to date,” said Hayato Takahashi, one of Japan’s chief whale scientists. “Every time we shoot a whale with a harpoon, it dies. That’s why … Continue reading

Court rules Obama kids’ bedtimes unconstitutional


In a case fraught with major parental implications, a federal appeals court has overturned the bedtimes for Malia and Sasha Obama as chosen by the president and first lady, calling them “unconstitutional” and “totally unfair.” “This decision is novel and unprecedented,” said White House press secretary Jay Carney. “It undermines not just Barack and Michelle‘s … Continue reading

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