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Satire

Gwyneth Paltrow writing book on how to properly get divorced


Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow announced today she is writing a self-help book for people going through a divorce.

In a blog post on Goop, her personal website, the 41-year-old actress said she has signed a deal with a major publisher to write “Conscious Uncoupling: How to Survive Divorce With Style, Grace and Class,” which will draw from her recent experience separating from longtime partner Chris Martin.

“Everyone keeps asking how I managed to get divorced so successfully,” Paltrow explained. “So I thought maybe I should write a book about my experience and let average people know how easy it is if you have the right mindset.

“When most couples get divorced the process releases an enormous amount of negative energy. But along with my soon-to-be ex-husband, I have been able to stay positive and look at our situation as an opportunity for personal growth.Wouldn’t it be great if everybody’s divorce was as healthy and life-affirming as my own?”

Shakespeare Out of Love

Paltrow is an actress most known for her work in films such as “Great Expectations,” “The Talented Mr. Ripley” and her appearances in the “Iron Man” franchise.

In recent years, however, she has also become notorious to the public for her website Goop, where she offers unsolicited and unaffordable advice on how other people can be more like her.

This pretentiousness has earned her the ire of the American people, who recently rated Paltrow the most hated celebrity in a poll for Star magazine, beating out convicted dog-killer Michael Vick and domestic abuse artist Chris Brown for the dubious honor.

In today’s post, Paltrow showed no sign of taking such criticisms to heart. Rather, she offered a few helpful hints for divorcing couples that highlighted the ostentatious solipsism that drives such antipathy.

“The number one question in most divorces is ‘who gets the house?’ ” she wrote. “Most couples have their lawyers fighting tooth and nail for the right to stay in the family home.

“All this acrimony can be avoided with one simple tip: as soon as you get married, make sure to buy a least two extra houses. That way, even if you have to sell one of them, you both will have a place to live after the divorce is final.”

Paltrow’s other suggestions included “hire a full-time yoga instructor,” “instruct your personal chef to avoid stress-triggering foods,” and “take off work for a month to travel the south of France.”

“Conscious Uncoupling” is expected to appear in bookstores this fall.

Source: The Daily Currant – Gwyneth Paltrow Writing Book on How to Properly Get Divorced (SATIRE)
 
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