//
you're reading...
Satire

Google purchases the Earth for record $590.6 billion


A look at Google's new Earth site, which will be our portal into everything

A look at Google’s new Earth site, which will be their portal into everything they do

Search engine firm Google has agreed in principle to acquire the planet Earth for a record $590.6 billion in cash and assets. The takeover tops Google’s 2011 deal for the mobile telecom giant Motorola for a paltry $12.5 billion.

“With the completion of our Google Earth project, we have analyzed every square mile of this beautiful planet and are poised to take Google to a whole new level,” Google co-founder and president Sergey Brin said in a prepared statement. “The world at large will not be able to sneeze without Google knowing about it, and we believe that’s a good thing.”

The acquisition marks the single largest purchase of a planet with inhabitants since such records were kept in 1922, and is expected to be finalized within two months. Reports have also surfaced that Microsoft is concerned over the purchase and that it is prompting regulators to probe into antitrust issues linked with the deal.

“This proposed acquisition raises serious competition and privacy concerns in that it gives the Google-Earth combination unprecedented control over our lives,” said Brad Smith, Microsoft’s Senior Vice President and General Counsel. “And you know damn well Microsoft wants a piece of that pie. What the hell’s left for us? One of Saturn’s moons?”

However, Google officials defended their company against the allegations, likening it to the analogy of the pot and the kettle. “Listen, don’t you guys have a virus to go patch or something?” quipped Brin.

“Our employees are always saying how great it is to work for Google,” said Brin in sit-down interview with CAP News. “And now everyone will get a chance to see how great it is because all 6.5 trillion people on Earth are basically our employees now. Cool, huh?”

Brin said Google’s goal is to “make the world better – less intrusive, more effective, and more useful.” He said the company is also working on a new filtering technology for the world and “is very close to turning this on.” He wouldn’t elaborate on just what content might be filtered, but did wink when CAP News mentioned the Middle East.

In other news related to Google, it has also announced a long-term agreement with Christianity’s supreme being God, enabling Google to begin research for its much anticipated Google Heaven online imaging service.

Source: CAP News -Google Purchases The Earth For Record $590.6 Billion (SATIRE)
 

About Craig Hill

Teacher and Writer. Writing has been cited in New York Times, BBC, Fox News, Aljazeera, Philippines Star, South China Morning Post, National Interest, news.com.au, Wikipedia and others.

Discussion

3 thoughts on “Google purchases the Earth for record $590.6 billion

  1. This almost seems plausible. 🙂

    Posted by swabby429 | April 30, 2014, 21:43
  2. Is it wrong that I almost wish this were true? Google overlords, or current governmental mess… hmmm….

    Posted by abtwixt | April 30, 2014, 23:14

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pingback: 42 year-old man still living with his mum will spend today courageously berating people online | Craig Hill - May 6, 2014

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

If you liked what you just read, click "Subscribe" to become a follower of the Craig Hill site. You will receive an email each time a new post is published.

Join 15,358 other followers

An archive of all my old posts

Follow me on Twitter

Most Recent Posts Post on My Blog About China: China News

United States outmanoeuvres Russia once again? 

United States outmanoeuvres Russia once again? 

In a recent briefing, the US Director of National Intelligence (DNI), Avril Haines warned, “I would characterize it as the Russians aren’t winning, and the Ukrainians aren’t winning, and we’re at a bit of a stalemate here.” So, where is the Russia-Ukraine war heading? What is Russian President Putin planning next? Is Europe ready for […]

China is defying global order to expand power, US admiral warns

China is defying global order to expand power, US admiral warns

The Chinese Communist Party and the People’s Liberation Army (PLA) are destabilizing international order in an effort to expand their global power, Adm. John Aquilino, commander of the Indo-Pacific Command, warned lawmakers during a House hearing on Tuesday. In his written testimony submitted to the House Appropriations defense subcommittee, Adm. Aquilino explained that the Department […]

China – Autocracy and decoupling technical tests

China – Autocracy and decoupling technical tests

We have noticed that the embrace with China had become suffocating in the last twenty years. The West universe of consumers and China the factory of the world. We started with modest and low value-added materials and products, to refine the trajectory and revolution to the most refined and complex technologies, such as 5G and […]

Four ways China is growing its media influence in Southeast Asia

Four ways China is growing its media influence in Southeast Asia

As President Biden welcomes leaders of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations to a special summit this week in Washington, D.C., his administration is affirming Beijing as the U.S.’s main rival and underscoring the region’s importance in U.S.-China competition. The two-day event is part of the U.S effort to woo ASEAN members caught in a […]

Confronting Russia will deter China, says Japanese defense minister

Confronting Russia will deter China, says Japanese defense minister

A strong international response to the Russian invasion of Ukraine is critical to deterring China from embarking on territorial conquests in Taiwan or the South China Sea, said Japanese Defense Minister Nobuo Kishi. “China has been carefully observing the current situation of Russia’s aggression against Ukraine and they are paying particularly close attention to what […]

How Russia-Ukraine copied Finland war without lessons

How Russia-Ukraine copied Finland war without lessons

Finland is a unique country with a distinct language and culture. However, its possession was always contested between Sweden and Russia. Though Finland mainly remained under Swedish control in 1809, it was annexed by Russia. Using the end of World War I and the Bolshevik Revolution in late 1917, Finland declared its independence from the […]

China plans system to take out asteroids hurtling toward earth

China plans system to take out asteroids hurtling toward earth

China plans to develop a system for monitoring asteroids that pose a threat to earth, highlighting the nation’s growing ambitions for its space program. The country will also explore ways for taking out asteroids that endanger the planet, Wu Yanhua, deputy director of the China National Space Administration, said in a TV interview, according to […]

Russia-Japan tensions flare anew over the Kurils

Russia-Japan tensions flare anew over the Kurils

Formally, Russia is not at war with Ukraine, where it claims to be conducting a so-called “special military operation.” But with Japan, given that Moscow and Tokyo never signed a peace treaty officially ending World War II, the two Asian neighbors remain technically at war. And after Japan recently described four Kuril islands whose ownership […]

Solomon Islands has Washington in state of alarm after a security pact with China

Solomon Islands has Washington in state of alarm after a security pact with  China

A tiny island chain in the South Pacific has Western governments scrambling after it agreed to a security pact with China that the United States and its allies fear could enhance Beijing’s military power in this strategically important region.  The deal between China and the Solomon Islands, a nation of 700,000 people that had deadly […]

China says its ‘future helicopters’ will be equipped with ground-breaking technologies

China says its ‘future helicopters’ will be equipped with ground-breaking technologies

Militaries all around the world are looking at integrating modern technology into their military weapons. China, as usual, appears to be making serious efforts to prepare for the future battleground, this time, with plans to include artificial intelligence and high-speed features in its future choppers. During a recent public lecture, a prominent Chinese military helicopter […]

%d bloggers like this: