In a case fraught with major parental implications, a federal appeals court has overturned the bedtimes for Malia and Sasha Obama as chosen by the president and first lady, calling them "unconstitutional" and "totally unfair." "This decision is novel and unprecedented," said White House press secretary Jay Carney. "It undermines not just Barack and Michelle's … Continue reading Court rules Obama kids’ bedtimes unconstitutional
Court orders Justin Bieber to stop making music
A court in Canada has ordered teen pop sensation Justin Bieber to stop making music for the next three years as restitution for a recent assault charge. In a plea deal with the prosecution today, 19-year-old Bieber agreed to refrain from touring or recording new material in exchange for keeping himself out of jail. The … Continue reading Court orders Justin Bieber to stop making music
Al Gore and Pope spar over origins of the Internet
Former Vice President Al Gore had some choice words for Pope Francis this week following the pontiff's assertion that the Internet is a "gift from God," saying that the Creator in which we're all endowed had little to do with its development. "Now, I love Pope Francis with his flowy robes and his pointy hat, … Continue reading Al Gore and Pope spar over origins of the Internet
Tony Blair just won’t go away
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is stubbornly refusing to let Britain move on. The grin-based organism has been asked to stop saying things in the press, which reminds Britain that it voted for him three times. Teacher Emma Bradford said: “When Kim Kardashian came along, Paris Hilton had the self-awareness to recognise that her … Continue reading Tony Blair just won’t go away
‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians
In a controversial ruling, no-nonsense cop ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan walked free from a federal court yesterday after a jury acquitted him of the ‘targeted hits’ of lowlife, good-for-nothing punks. The hard-bitten San Francisco detective was charged after it emerged that some of his victims may have been unarmed when he blew them away. Among the … Continue reading ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians
President Obama says America is fed up with the spoiled brat antics of Justin Bieber so I am deporting him back to Canada
If President Obama gets his wish, little Justin Bieber will be sitting in his mom's Canadian home by Valentine's Day. The president has stated that he is sick and tired of getting thousands and thousands of complaints from good, hard-working, red-blooded Americans asking him to do something about the horrible attitude that Justin Bieber has … Continue reading President Obama says America is fed up with the spoiled brat antics of Justin Bieber so I am deporting him back to Canada
Russia hires Jack Bauer to safeguard Sochi Olympics
Russia's counterterrorism agency is reporting that former U.S. federal agent and fugitive from justice Jack Bauer has been picked to lead efforts to keep athletes and visitors safe during the upcoming Olympic Games in Sochi. They cited Bauer's experience in thwarting a wide variety of terrorist plots in 24 hours or less as a contributing … Continue reading Russia hires Jack Bauer to safeguard Sochi Olympics
Canada to release over 6,000 illegal aliens into North Dakota
The Canadian government has informed President Obama that they are getting ready to release 6,391 illegal aliens from the United States into North Dakota. A spokesperson for the Canadian government said that some of the illegal immigrants had been sitting in Canadian jails for as long as 9 years. A Minnesota individual who said his … Continue reading Canada to release over 6,000 illegal aliens into North Dakota
Modern day American dream is an out of court settlement
Drawing on national polling data and extensive personal interviews, social scientists confirmed that the concept of the American Dream, the widely held aspiration among U.S. citizens of achieving financial security and personal happiness, now consists entirely of receiving a substantial out-of-court settlement. “Whereas achieving the American Dream once meant rising to a stable position of … Continue reading Modern day American dream is an out of court settlement
Britain could miss out on crazy, pointless war with China, says important American
Cuts to Britain’s armed forces mean the country will be ‘left on the sidelines’ when America invades China. Robert Gates, former US defence secretary, stressed that Britain would no longer be America’s ‘full crazy partner in war’. He said: “Your military will be dropping food from its only helicopter while the US Marines are surging … Continue reading Britain could miss out on crazy, pointless war with China, says important American
Unemployed, miserable man still remembers teacher who first made him fall in love with writing
Explaining that she introduced him to the literature that made him the man he is today, 41-year-old Casey Sheard, an unemployed and fundamentally miserable person, confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he still fondly remembers the high school teacher who first inspired him to fall in love with writing. “Mrs. Merriman was the one who … Continue reading Unemployed, miserable man still remembers teacher who first made him fall in love with writing
Man detained for blindly following traffic rules in Delhi, India
An unidentified 40-year-old male has been detained by Delhi police for suspicious behaviour after he was caught following all the traffic rules on the road in the national capital. This is the rarest of the rare behaviours witnessed on Delhi roads, authorities confirm. Addressing a press conference, traffic inspector Mr. Hafta Ram gave a detailed account of … Continue reading Man detained for blindly following traffic rules in Delhi, India
English professor suddenly realises students will believe literally anything she says
Midway through her 9 a.m. Intro to American Literature course Thursday, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Professor Elizabeth Mabrey suddenly realised that her students would accept, without question, literally any words that came out of her mouth as absolute, incontrovertible fact, sources confirmed. “I could say that On the Road was an overt metaphor for the Vietnam … Continue reading English professor suddenly realises students will believe literally anything she says
Japan to launch unarmed practice missile towards North Korea
The Saki News Agency is reporting that the government of Japan has decided to give North Korean leader Kim Jong Un a bit of his own medicine. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe stated that his country will be launching what it calls an unarmed practice missile toward North Korea. The missile is a standard, universal type … Continue reading Japan to launch unarmed practice missile towards North Korea
Wikipedia founder discovered rolling around in millions of facts at mansion
Wikipedia’s creator Jimmy Wales was under police guard in hospital today after being discovered naked and “laughing hysterically” in millions of facts printed from his website. Police were called to the 47-year-old’s London home only after one of 200 printers jammed and caught fire, sending plumes of black smoke into the skies. Officers broke into … Continue reading Wikipedia founder discovered rolling around in millions of facts at mansion
Justin Bieber may buy land In Colorado and become a pot farmer
Justin Bieber recently announced that he was retiring from the music business. The iRumors News Agency is now reporting that the Canadian singer is considering purchasing some land in the marijuana haven state of Colorado and becoming a pot farmer. Bieber spoke with Vodka Vermicelli of iRumors and said that he figures that by being … Continue reading Justin Bieber may buy land In Colorado and become a pot farmer
Playboy asks Denmark’s Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt to appear in a nude layout
Playboy Corporation mogul Hugh Hefner has offered the stunning blonde prime minister of Denmark, Helle Thorning-Schmidt $1.8 million to appear in a nude layout in his magazine. Hefner spoke with reporters and stated that he knows that the issue would be one of the biggest sellers in the publication's history. The Playboy head stated that … Continue reading Playboy asks Denmark’s Prime Minister Helle Thorning-Schmidt to appear in a nude layout
Pope Francis expands Vatican drone program
Pope Francis has ordered a major expansion of the Vatican's controversial drone program, calling it necessary to protect the church. "The Vatican has many enemies around the world, and we must take the necessary steps to defend the church and ourselves," Pope Francis said in an official statement. "Unmanned drones are the most effective way … Continue reading Pope Francis expands Vatican drone program
Syria war combatants to be shut out of Australia
Australian citizens who fight in the Syrian civil war may be shut out of the country, after Immigration Minister Scott Morrison flagged a renewed push to prevent them returning home. Mr Morrison yesterday said an influx of rebel and pro-government militants from the Middle East could "disrupt the significant social cohesion we have in this … Continue reading Syria war combatants to be shut out of Australia
Australia investigates corruption in Great Barrier Reef protection agency
Environment Minister Greg Hunt has ordered an "immediate" inquiry into the agency charged with protecting the Great Barrier Reef, after revelations that board members held interests in companies that could benefit from expanding coal and gas production near the reef. The revelations come as the Great Barrier Reef faces growing threats to its existence. Massive … Continue reading Australia investigates corruption in Great Barrier Reef protection agency
China’s land grab in Australia hidden by “corporate veil”
Chinese investors may own less than 1 per cent of Australian farmland, but the true level is not known because it is hidden behind a corporate veil, according to a new report that offers support to the establishment of a formal register of foreign land ownership in Australia. A joint report by accountants KPMG and … Continue reading China’s land grab in Australia hidden by “corporate veil”
Australia abandons Asian Century from foreign policy
The centrepiece of the Gillard government's foreign affairs strategy - the Australia in the Asian Century white paper - has been largely jettisoned by the Abbott government. Craig Emerson, who as a senior Labor minister was responsible for the white paper's implementation, said yesterday that he was surprised and disappointed the document and all its … Continue reading Australia abandons Asian Century from foreign policy
Australian immigration minister orders asylum-seekers to be called “illegals”
Let us call a spade a spade shall we, Scott Morrison? Your edict, Minister for Immigration and Border Protection, that detention staff and members of your department now refer to asylum seekers as "illegal maritime arrivals" is shameless and shameful. It is a brutish manipulation of language to suit your, and your government's, political purposes. … Continue reading Australian immigration minister orders asylum-seekers to be called “illegals”
Australia forms anti-people smuggling deal with Malaysia
Australia has struck a series of deals with Malaysia to limit the transit of asylum-seekers across its territory to Indonesia. Immigration Minister Scott Morrison, the first Abbott government minister to visit Malaysia, has returned from meetings with Home Affairs Minister Ahmad Zahid with agreements on “operational co-operation” under his belt. “I was pleased to reboot … Continue reading Australia forms anti-people smuggling deal with Malaysia
Australians don’t have skills to work on farms
Onion and carrot grower Yvonne Smith knows how hard it is to find highly skilled workers. Ms Smith, 48, grows 85ha of onions and 30ha of carrots with her husband at Bowhill, on the Murray River east of Adelaide. The couple would like to expand their production, but the main factor slowing them down is … Continue reading Australians don’t have skills to work on farms
Craig Hill 