//
you're reading...
Satire

Russia hires Jack Bauer to safeguard Sochi Olympics


Russian TV news footage shows Jack protecting the luge from terrorist threats

Russian TV news footage shows Jack protecting the luge from terrorist threats

Russia‘s counterterrorism agency is reporting that former U.S. federal agent and fugitive from justice Jack Bauer has been picked to lead efforts to keep athletes and visitors safe during the upcoming Olympic Games in Sochi.

They cited Bauer’s experience in thwarting a wide variety of terrorist plots in 24 hours or less as a contributing factor to the selection.

“Given Mr Bauer’s penchant for resolving the most insidious of international threats pretty much by himself, we have released all 40,000 of our security personnel back to their families so they can enjoy the Games,” President Vladimir Putin said in a prepared statement.

“Well, that and the fact that Jack doesn’t know who he can trust anymore,” he noted.

Security experts point out that Bauer’s propensity for failing to put his cell phone on vibrate could be cause for concern as the terrorists will eventually figure out they only need to call him to pinpoint his location.

“Even when he whispers he sounds like he’s yelling at you,” said independent terrorism consultant Omar McNalley. “Which is good, because Russians will need to understand the sense of urgency when he tells them, There’s no time!

“But the dude really needs to learn how to text,” McNalley added.

Despite an overwhelmingly positive international reaction to the news, U.S. military officials continue to mobilise warships and aircraft in the Black Sea in the event American athletes underperform and need to be transported out of the country.

“Not even Jack Bauer can make sure Jeremy Abbott lands the triple axel-double toe, double flip-double toe, double axel, triple axel, triple salchow,” said Charles Tickner, acting Assistant Secretary of Figure Skating and Pacific Security Affairs. “Although a few minutes alone in a room with Jack could persuade Canada’s Patrick Chan to not skate so well for the gold.”

Russian officials deny that Bauer’s appointment was in any way meant to raise American ire by hiring someone considered wanted by the CIA. However, they did go so far as to call Bauer the “Edward Snowden of our generation.”

Source: CAP News – Russia Hires Jack Bauer To Safeguard Sochi Olympics (SATIRE)
 

About Craig Hill

Teacher and Writer. Writing has been cited in New York Times, BBC, Fox News, Aljazeera, Philippines Star, South China Morning Post, National Interest, news.com.au, Wikipedia and others.

Discussion

4 thoughts on “Russia hires Jack Bauer to safeguard Sochi Olympics

  1. Wonderful! Thanks.

    Posted by Anne Bonney | January 25, 2014, 03:09

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Pingback: ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians | Craig Hill - January 27, 2014

  2. Pingback: Obama nominates Oprah as ambassador to Russia | Craig Hill - February 24, 2014

  3. Pingback: Ukraine deploys gay men to scare off Russians | Craig Hill - March 18, 2014

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

If you liked what you just read, click "Subscribe" to become a follower of the Craig Hill site. You will receive an email each time a new post is published.

Join 15,046 other followers

An archive of all my old posts

Follow me on Twitter

Most Recent Posts Post on My Blog About China: China News

Pentagon plans to improve airfields in Guam and Australia to confront China

Pentagon plans to improve airfields in Guam and Australia to confront China

The Pentagon wants to improve bases in Guam and Australia to counter China following a review of U.S. military resources around the globe. The Global Posture Review (GPR), of which an unclassified version is set to be released later on Monday, “directs additional cooperation with allies and partners who advance initiatives that contribute to regional […]

Cadence Column: Asia, November 29, 2021

Cadence Column: Asia, November 29, 2021

China faces a very serious and very real boycott at the Olympic Games. The Olympic Committee awarded China as the host country and claims that politics isn’t its business; other governments need to handle that. Boycotts are under serious consideration in the United States, Canada, Australia, Great Britain, and the European Union via Lithuania. If […]

China targets ride-hailing operator Didi for delisting in New York

China targets ride-hailing operator Didi for delisting in New York

China’s internet regulator has ordered the operators of a major ride-hailing app, Didi Chuxing, to delist from the New York Stock Exchange, in an ongoing government crackdown on the country’s technology sector, international media reports said on Friday. The Cyberspace Administration has ordered Didi Global Inc to devise a plan to delist, out of concerns the […]

US sends warship through Taiwan Strait in message to China

US sends warship through Taiwan Strait in message to China

The U.S. Navy’s Arleigh Burke-class guided-missile destroyer USS Milius (DDG 69) sailed through the Taiwan Strait in a routine operation on Tuesday. The transit sparked anger from the Communist Chinese government, which considers Taiwan its territory, and it characterized the U.S. warship’s actions as a provocative act. The U.S. 7th Fleet announced the USS Milius’ […]

How China is trying to turn the U.S. against itself

How China is trying to turn the U.S. against itself

As Congress advances a set of bills to protect against Beijing’s efforts to subvert American democracy, China is using our system of government to block and tackle. On November 12, Reuters reported that Chinese officials have been pressuring American companies, executives, and trade groups to lobby against the legislation, threatening to reduce their share of […]

Chinese geo-strategic expansion in the Levant: A case study of Lebanon

Chinese geo-strategic expansion in the Levant: A case study of Lebanon

As soon as the People’s Republic of China was established in 1949, China and the Middle East faced a series of challenges. In recent years, China’s influence in the region has expanded due to its economic interests in energy, trade, infrastructure construction, and diplomatic contacts with the region’s countries. This is linked to President Xi […]

The Chinese Communist Party still thinks it owns the future

The Chinese Communist Party still thinks it owns the future

A rising chorus of analysts now describe China as a “peaking power”—one that might take greater risks to revise the international order before its strategic window of opportunity closes. They cite the country’s aging population , slowing economy , and hostile external environment  as evidence that time is no longer on China’s side. The “fear of decline,” they […]

Chinese maritime militia threatens order in South China Sea

Chinese maritime militia threatens order in South China Sea

Hundreds of Chinese maritime militia vessels are operating in contested areas of the South China Sea on a consistent basis, according to a new U.S. think tank report that says this poses a significant challenge to “maritime order rooted in international law.” The Washington, D.C.,-based Center for Strategic and International Studies (CSIS), says that for […]

Cadence Column: Asia, November 22, 2021

Cadence Column: Asia, November 22, 2021

The world is not responding well to the so-called “plandemic”. The important thing is not whether the global disease, as said by Judy Mikovits to have been developed under the supervision of Fauci, was actually intended to do all this. The public thinks it was because governments haven’t work carefully to earn public trust. Even […]

Tackling Chinese technological advantage 

Tackling Chinese technological advantage 

“China has won the artificial intelligence battle with the United States and is heading towards global dominance because of its technological advances”. When the Pentagon’s former software chief Nick Chaillan made this claim, it felt as if the whole world had come crashing down. The whole episode gave rise to the debate about who’s ahead […]

%d bloggers like this: