Gwyneth Paltrow announced today she is writing a self-help book for people going through a divorce. In a blog post on Goop, her personal website, the 41-year-old actress said she has signed a deal with a major publisher to write "Conscious Uncoupling: How to Survive Divorce With Style, Grace and Class,” which will draw from … Continue reading Gwyneth Paltrow writing book on how to properly get divorced
Angelina Jolie and Kim Kardashian feud causes concern
Two actresses who love the spotlight have entered into a feud that has their family and friends concerned. Angelina Jolie, 38, started the fray when she told a reporter with Bedroom Pillow Talk that Kim Kardashian, 33, really needs to do something about her butt which seems to be growing out of control. Angelina noted … Continue reading Angelina Jolie and Kim Kardashian feud causes concern
Study suggests Stonehenge was prehistoric McDonald’s
Once thought to be a burial ground, ancient temple, or work of alien lifeforms, the Stonehenge monument may have been the world's first fast food eatery. This is thanks to the discovery of a perfectly intact McDonald's hamburger unearthed at the base of a massive monolith this week. Top archaeologists in the field say the … Continue reading Study suggests Stonehenge was prehistoric McDonald’s
Australians trying to work out which government policy is an April Fools gag
One of the Australian Government’s policies is an April Fools hoax, but they won’t say which one. The Prime Minister, Tony Abbott, made the announcement early this morning, describing the prank as a bit of lighthearted fun. But the news has already caused mass confusion. Many Coalition MPs were themselves caught unawares. “Just one?” one … Continue reading Australians trying to work out which government policy is an April Fools gag
Australia to reinstate imperial measurement system
Yesterday, Australia's Prime Minister Tony Abbott unexpectedly announced that Australia would be returning to the appointment of Knights and Dames, an outdated system which ceased 30 years ago. This was done without any consultation, discussion or prior notice. Now comes this: Australia will revert to using miles, ounces, yards and furlongs next year, more than … Continue reading Australia to reinstate imperial measurement system
Dharma Initiative denies responsibility for missing Malaysian flight
The secretive scientific research organisation known as "The Dharma Initiative" has denied responsibility for the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. In a statement released today on the group's website, Dharma's CEO Hugh McIntyre said that despite the similarities between this case and that of the infamous Oceanic Flight 815, the two incidents do not share … Continue reading Dharma Initiative denies responsibility for missing Malaysian flight
Ukraine deploys gay men to scare off Russians
Ukraine is planning to march large numbers of gay men into Crimea in hopes of scaring off Russian soldiers currently occupying the territory. According to local reports this “gay army” will be unarmed and its mission will be to act as flamboyantly homosexual as possible, causing the deeply prejudiced occupying force to flee back to … Continue reading Ukraine deploys gay men to scare off Russians
Kim Jong-un considers extending North Korea’s bedtime until 8:30 pm
North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un says he’ll have a think about changing the nation’s lights out time, after it was pointed out to him that some countries stay up as late as 10:30pm. Currently night-night time is 8:00pm, with quiet talking allowed until 8:10. But that could all soon change. “I’m open to extending … Continue reading Kim Jong-un considers extending North Korea’s bedtime until 8:30 pm
Obama nominates Oprah as ambassador to Russia
President Obama nominated Oprah Winfrey to serve as ambassador to Russia today. In a written statement, the White House said the veteran broadcaster has been selected to replace Russian policy expert Michael McFaul, who announced last week that he was stepping down after little more than a year on the job. "Oprah Winfrey is an … Continue reading Obama nominates Oprah as ambassador to Russia
North Korea wants to host Summer Olympics
Kim Jong Un, rotund ruler of North Korea, expressed a desire for North Korea to hold the next Summer Olympics when it is held in 2016. He was quickly informed that it had been decided years ago that it would be held in Rio de Janeiro in Brazil in 2016 and in Tokyo, Japan in … Continue reading North Korea wants to host Summer Olympics
Thailand’s Prime Minister promises to disrobe if protesters desist
Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra has ratcheted up her rhetoric in the face of growing criticism, vowing to perform a striptease for her nation's people if protesters back down from calls for her resignation. "I have two very good reason why I should remain in office and I promise will show you both if you … Continue reading Thailand’s Prime Minister promises to disrobe if protesters desist
Japan’s scientific research program yet to uncover why whales die when speared with a giant harpoon
After decades of research, Japanese scientists are no closer to discovering why whales suddenly die when tracked down, surrounded and then shot with an explosive-tipped harpoon. “It’s a phenomenon that’s baffled us to date,” said Hayato Takahashi, one of Japan’s chief whale scientists. “Every time we shoot a whale with a harpoon, it dies. That’s why … Continue reading Japan’s scientific research program yet to uncover why whales die when speared with a giant harpoon
Court rules Obama kids’ bedtimes unconstitutional
In a case fraught with major parental implications, a federal appeals court has overturned the bedtimes for Malia and Sasha Obama as chosen by the president and first lady, calling them "unconstitutional" and "totally unfair." "This decision is novel and unprecedented," said White House press secretary Jay Carney. "It undermines not just Barack and Michelle's … Continue reading Court rules Obama kids’ bedtimes unconstitutional
Court orders Justin Bieber to stop making music
A court in Canada has ordered teen pop sensation Justin Bieber to stop making music for the next three years as restitution for a recent assault charge. In a plea deal with the prosecution today, 19-year-old Bieber agreed to refrain from touring or recording new material in exchange for keeping himself out of jail. The … Continue reading Court orders Justin Bieber to stop making music
Al Gore and Pope spar over origins of the Internet
Former Vice President Al Gore had some choice words for Pope Francis this week following the pontiff's assertion that the Internet is a "gift from God," saying that the Creator in which we're all endowed had little to do with its development. "Now, I love Pope Francis with his flowy robes and his pointy hat, … Continue reading Al Gore and Pope spar over origins of the Internet
Tony Blair just won’t go away
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is stubbornly refusing to let Britain move on. The grin-based organism has been asked to stop saying things in the press, which reminds Britain that it voted for him three times. Teacher Emma Bradford said: “When Kim Kardashian came along, Paris Hilton had the self-awareness to recognise that her … Continue reading Tony Blair just won’t go away
‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians
In a controversial ruling, no-nonsense cop ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan walked free from a federal court yesterday after a jury acquitted him of the ‘targeted hits’ of lowlife, good-for-nothing punks. The hard-bitten San Francisco detective was charged after it emerged that some of his victims may have been unarmed when he blew them away. Among the … Continue reading ‘Dirty’ Harry Callahan found not guilty of shooting unarmed civilians
President Obama says America is fed up with the spoiled brat antics of Justin Bieber so I am deporting him back to Canada
If President Obama gets his wish, little Justin Bieber will be sitting in his mom's Canadian home by Valentine's Day. The president has stated that he is sick and tired of getting thousands and thousands of complaints from good, hard-working, red-blooded Americans asking him to do something about the horrible attitude that Justin Bieber has … Continue reading President Obama says America is fed up with the spoiled brat antics of Justin Bieber so I am deporting him back to Canada
Russia hires Jack Bauer to safeguard Sochi Olympics
Russia's counterterrorism agency is reporting that former U.S. federal agent and fugitive from justice Jack Bauer has been picked to lead efforts to keep athletes and visitors safe during the upcoming Olympic Games in Sochi. They cited Bauer's experience in thwarting a wide variety of terrorist plots in 24 hours or less as a contributing … Continue reading Russia hires Jack Bauer to safeguard Sochi Olympics
Canada to release over 6,000 illegal aliens into North Dakota
The Canadian government has informed President Obama that they are getting ready to release 6,391 illegal aliens from the United States into North Dakota. A spokesperson for the Canadian government said that some of the illegal immigrants had been sitting in Canadian jails for as long as 9 years. A Minnesota individual who said his … Continue reading Canada to release over 6,000 illegal aliens into North Dakota
Modern day American dream is an out of court settlement
Drawing on national polling data and extensive personal interviews, social scientists confirmed that the concept of the American Dream, the widely held aspiration among U.S. citizens of achieving financial security and personal happiness, now consists entirely of receiving a substantial out-of-court settlement. “Whereas achieving the American Dream once meant rising to a stable position of … Continue reading Modern day American dream is an out of court settlement
Britain could miss out on crazy, pointless war with China, says important American
Cuts to Britain’s armed forces mean the country will be ‘left on the sidelines’ when America invades China. Robert Gates, former US defence secretary, stressed that Britain would no longer be America’s ‘full crazy partner in war’. He said: “Your military will be dropping food from its only helicopter while the US Marines are surging … Continue reading Britain could miss out on crazy, pointless war with China, says important American
Unemployed, miserable man still remembers teacher who first made him fall in love with writing
Explaining that she introduced him to the literature that made him the man he is today, 41-year-old Casey Sheard, an unemployed and fundamentally miserable person, confirmed to reporters Tuesday that he still fondly remembers the high school teacher who first inspired him to fall in love with writing. “Mrs. Merriman was the one who … Continue reading Unemployed, miserable man still remembers teacher who first made him fall in love with writing
Man detained for blindly following traffic rules in Delhi, India
An unidentified 40-year-old male has been detained by Delhi police for suspicious behaviour after he was caught following all the traffic rules on the road in the national capital. This is the rarest of the rare behaviours witnessed on Delhi roads, authorities confirm. Addressing a press conference, traffic inspector Mr. Hafta Ram gave a detailed account of … Continue reading Man detained for blindly following traffic rules in Delhi, India
English professor suddenly realises students will believe literally anything she says
Midway through her 9 a.m. Intro to American Literature course Thursday, University of Nebraska-Lincoln Professor Elizabeth Mabrey suddenly realised that her students would accept, without question, literally any words that came out of her mouth as absolute, incontrovertible fact, sources confirmed. “I could say that On the Road was an overt metaphor for the Vietnam … Continue reading English professor suddenly realises students will believe literally anything she says
Craig Hill 